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How to survive betrayal? This event frightens almost everyone in a relationship, be it love or even close friendships. Fear is born from the need for personal identification, the experience of one’s personality as part of a larger one, and correlation with it. A common identification is “I am a member of a family union.” This is the existence of a “we”. If it suddenly turns out that a partner simultaneously belongs to another, this fact is perceived as a betrayal, an event when, without the knowledge of the other party, my social life was changed. Perceiving yourself as part of a whole, a group, even of two, is an important need. Therefore, it is clear why the blow of betrayal is so painful. When a partner has another “we” on his side, I become part of a union of three without consent.

What can help you survive your husband's betrayal? Feel the value of your own life, which is the only one you have; it should not be wasted on worries and negativity. At the same time, examine the mistakes of the past. Any problem in a relationship is created by the partners together. Understand the mistakes so you don't make them in your next relationship. Therefore, you need to have an attitude towards betrayal that perceives it as an experience in your life.

How to survive a friend's betrayal

Betrayal causes great trauma to a person because it involves perfidy and the resulting loss of trust. Often, a woman’s betrayal consists of the fact that a friend could not keep important information entrusted to her secret, perhaps even deliberately using it against you. Betrayal, according to many surveys, is what people are most often not ready to accept in friends, because it destroys the friendship itself.

If a relationship with a best friend has gone through events that can be called betrayal, a woman often develops a feeling of hostility towards the world, an inability to trust anyone after this experience, especially women who are trying to establish close relationships. However, when a specific person betrayed you, this does not mean that there are only traitors around. At the same time, hostility towards friendship is natural, it can be understood, accepted within oneself as an emotional residue from what happened, which will certainly pass if this trauma is psychologically processed.

How to survive the betrayal of friends? Try within yourself not to turn into an enemy, not to plan revenge, without trying to prove something, to win or destroy, then forgetting and giving up on the person. After all, such a strategy will not give anything to you or your friend who betrayed you. You will not receive true comfort from revenge, and the traitor who experienced revenge from you will only become embittered. You will only tighten the knot tighter.

Spiritual practices here teach not only not to return evil, but sometimes even to do good to the traitor. After all, by doing so you will collect “burning coals” on his head - this is nothing more than remorse. Only after experiencing them and succumbing to an awakened conscience can a person draw conclusions. Why do you need this? Think about the fact that a friend, if she was a truly important person to you, had value to you, you loved her. Revenge here will hurt you too, even if superficially it gives a feeling of triumph from retribution. The challenge is to live through these emotions, draw conclusions and, as opposed to getting stuck in painful experiences.

The betrayed friend did this out of weakness, perhaps from hidden feelings. And you, as a person who knows her well, will be able to understand this with sufficient attention and patience. Realize what expectations you had for your friend, why you brought this person closer to you, what good things she gave you. Thank your ex-girlfriend inside yourself for all the good things that happened in the relationship and let her go. Such a wise meta-position, which takes the weaknesses of human nature and all circumstances into account, will allow you to easily move past the pain of betrayal and retain the ability for future trusting relationships.

The difficult question is whether you should trust your betrayed friend in the future. Some women find the strength in themselves enough to figure it out and talk about what happened. The betrayer may even receive forgiveness if her act was somehow understood by the injured party. And if both women have realized the importance of the relationship, they can even continue communication and friendship after going through this experience. The decision to continue communication here is up to you, depending on the circumstances of what happened, the scale of the betrayal, its internal motives, the presence of repentance and its sincerity. Here, every woman will be helped by her inner ability to and even premonition - the famous female intuition.

Speaker of the Medical and Psychological Center "PsychoMed"

Unfortunately, no person can be immune from betrayal, no matter how much he loves and values ​​those who decided to take such a step. For the first time after this, it begins to seem as if someone has pulled the rug out from under your feet and life will never be the same. Indeed, if the traitor was very close to you, then his act cannot but affect you - now, most likely, you will be more suspicious and withdrawn. However, you must understand that one day the pain of betrayal will subside, turning into only an experience from which you can learn some lessons.

What to do when you've been betrayed

Betrayed by a beloved man

First of all, try to recover from this story as soon as possible. Realize that since something like this happened, then this man is clearly not the one sent to you by fate, but a kind of test for you. Don't close yourself off from friends and family and become depressed. By withdrawing into yourself, you are left alone with the betrayal that has occurred, and besides it, there will be almost nothing else in your life for a certain period. Don’t allow this to happen - cut the offender out of your life, and fill your time with new hobbies and meetings that will gradually displace this story from the list of important events. This will not be easy to do - you will have neither the desire nor the mood to lead an active lifestyle, but in this case you need to force yourself. Understand that this is the only way you can help yourself get rid of your unpleasant past.

When the traitor is your own husband

Once upon a time this person offered you his hand and heart, and you gave your consent, confident that you would go through your entire life path with him, hand in hand. Of course, it is very painful to find out in the end that your beloved has decided to betray you, but in this case you should not act out of hand, especially if children are growing up in your family.

Talk to your husband and try to understand what prompted him to do this. If you see that your spouse sincerely repents, and you understand that, despite everything, you still have feelings for him, then find the strength within yourself to give your family a chance. Devote the evening to talking about why this happened, determine how you can live with it further, and try not to return to this conversation in the future to maintain a favorable atmosphere in the house.

If you understand that you will never be able to forgive, or your husband does not express much regret about his actions, then perhaps you should think about divorce. After all, a good family life, with such options, will probably no longer work out.

Betrayal by your best friend

The betrayal of a friend can sometimes hurt no less than the betrayal of a relative or husband. If your friend is real, then you probably trusted him with your personal secrets, supported him more than once in difficult life situations and consulted on many issues. Now it will be difficult for you to imagine your life without this person, but it is important to realize that if this happens, then the friendship is no longer there, and it’s time for you to go your separate ways.

An exception can only be in the case when a friend or girlfriend was forced to take this step, not of their own free will, or made a ridiculous mistake. In general, you need to give the person a chance to explain themselves, and if you understand that the betrayal could have been avoided, then pause your communication so that everyone can rethink what happened. After months, you yourself will be able to understand whether you want to return your friend to your life.

Is it worth forgiving the betrayal of loved ones?

Each person has his own ideas about betrayal - some believe that it is exclusively about betrayal, while for others it is enough if a loved one takes the opponent’s side in a certain dispute. If you yourself understand that, in general, nothing terrible happened, then you should not torture your loved one - talk to him and come to an agreement. Explain why it is important to you that this does not happen again.

If someone offended you but does not ask for forgiveness, then you need to try to forget about him and understand for yourself that this story is unnecessary in your life, and it is better to devote your time not to thinking about what happened, but to new impressions and other people. It is much more difficult if the person has repented and you would like to improve your relationship with him. Unfortunately, being prepared to forgive does not always guarantee that it will happen. You may want this, but in reality the resentment will not go away, and conflicts will flare up between you again and again. It is worth trying to forgive a person who admits his mistake, but be prepared for the fact that, despite your desire, you still will not be able to turn this page in your thoughts, which is why sooner or later you will have to break off relations with the offender.

Is it possible to forgive cheating with another woman?

Depends on the situation. If there are no children in your family, then the decision will be easier. It is also worth paying attention to factors such as the repentance of the chosen one and whether the other woman was a permanent lover or whether their relationship turned out to be fleeting.

It happens that a man deliberately lives for several months, or even years, in two families, unable to decide who is dearer to him. In this case, it is better to ease the agony of choice and start looking for a life partner for whom you will be the only woman you love.

It’s a completely different case if your lover was seduced or spent the night with another woman after a quarrel with you. Under such circumstances, it is also not easy to forgive a person, but if he sincerely repents of what he did, then you can try to understand him. Most likely, this connection was fleeting and meaningless to the man. Of course, you shouldn’t immediately pretend that nothing happened - ask to be given a few days to think about what happened. After this, tell your lover that you forgive him, but if this happens again, you will not be able to stay together. During the period of your reflection, the man will probably realize how dear you are to him and how much he does not want to lose you, and subsequently will value your relationship more.

Of course, if you understand that even a fleeting affair is too much for you, and you will never come to terms with it, then you will have to end the affair. You will come to the same decision sooner or later if the chosen one does not feel guilty for what happened, and periodically raises reasonable suspicions of new betrayal with his behavior.

If you haven’t been together for too long and haven’t started a family yet, then you should think about whether you want such a person in your life. A guy who decides to betray you is unlikely to value you highly. However, if you see that he is very upset about what happened and considers it a big mistake, then you can try to give him another chance, and nothing more.

Are there children in your family? Then in this situation, you have to think not only about yourself, but also about them. If betrayal by your spouse occurs systematically, again and again making you upset, worry and cry, then, undoubtedly, an unhealthy psychological climate reigns in your family, which is not good for the children. Instead of spending time with your child, you are busy thinking about what is going on in your relationship with your husband. By forgiving the traitor again and again, you do not save the family at all - only its appearance is preserved. By doing this, you undermine your health and spoil your mood, depriving the child of communication with a happy mother.

The situation is completely different if the spouse stumbled once, realized his mistake and does not want to lose you. Talk to your husband, make it clear to the end why this happened, and how you can restore trust. Convey to him that this should not happen again if he wants to be the head of a friendly and happy family. It may be necessary for the two of you to visit a family psychologist if you realize that you cannot cope with what happened on your own. For a person who regrets what he did, his own betrayal, like it for you, is a serious stress. Consider a change of scenery for a while and relieve tension in the family by going on a short trip together or at least spending a weekend in an interesting place.

How to forget a traitor

Try to mentally at least try to forgive him, and realize that only a weak person who still has to grow above himself is willing to betray him. Understand that because of this, he will have to face problems more than once in his life, and be glad that you will no longer be around during that period.

Understand that first of all, now you need to take care of your mental comfort. An extremely unpleasant situation happened to you, which should be considered as an important life lesson. Think about what you can take away from this lesson - now you will become stronger and, perhaps, you will be able to understand people better.

It's not easy to decide to cut someone out of your life, but it's much harder to actually do it. If you have clearly decided that you do not need such a person, and you are worthy of another relationship, then first of all, cut off contacts with the traitor, and do not initiate meetings, conversations or correspondence with him. Do not follow his life through social networks and do not inquire about his affairs through friends - understand that you must completely leave the person in the past. If you have time to find out about the everyday life of the person who betrayed you, then you clearly need to find something more interesting and much more productive for you to do.

First, set a period (for example, a month) during which you will not show interest in the life of the person you want to forget, and also will not respond to his attempts to get in touch. At this time, it will be very difficult to follow your decision, but you will make your task much easier if you find a new hobby or go on a trip to another country or city. Understand that the sooner this painful connection is broken, the sooner something new and good can enter your life.

Psychologist's advice: What to do if betrayed and how to live after

Step 2. Do not try to analyze what you personally could have done to prevent the betrayal from happening. You are not responsible for such a step by another person - it was he who decided to do this and, most likely, he had another choice.

Step 3. It’s not easy to force yourself not to think about what really worries you, but you can do it differently - consciously switch your attention to something else. It could be about travel. Just don’t choose a tour during which you will lie on the beach all day - opt for a more varied pastime. However, if a beach holiday is ideal for you, then perhaps it can become therapy for you. If your vacation is still far away, then think about what could distract you right now. Why not sign up for a group fitness class, pool, yoga, art class, or some form of dance today? Try yourself in some new direction, spend time beneficial for your body and mood.

Step 4 Unfortunately, betrayal often brings not only emotional distress, but also a serious blow to self-esteem. Over time, you may decide that, in general, you deserve this outcome of events, and are not worthy of anything good at all. Get rid of this assumption. The person betrayed you not because you are not perfect in some way, but because he himself was unable to find a more worthy way out of the situation - he did not have enough decency or willpower for this. You should only regret that you were forced to come into contact with someone else's weakness, and help yourself recover from this situation. Pamper yourself with small and large pleasant purchases, meet friends, be open to new hobbies and acquaintances.

I don’t know if there are such lucky people on this earth who have never been betrayed or deceived. I myself have been betrayed and deceived more than once, and therefore I have perfectly learned all the lessons associated with this. The basis of all treacherous acts is selfishness, people simply pursue, thus their interests and goals, their desires and instincts, prevail over morality. The cynicism and composure with which people sometimes carry out their treacherous actions is even difficult to attribute to such a definition of our species as humans. They can lie to your face and not even wince, which indicates absolute disrespect for you as a person; in the eyes of such people, you are a tool that they use. I will not argue that betrayal and lies are bad, this is part of our life, and sometimes the ability to betray and lie gives a person a huge advantage over others. In the end, all power is built on this, because in the world of wolves, only a wolf can survive.

But being betrayed and deceived is not very good; sometimes it kills, especially when you are betrayed by the person closest and most beloved to you. And all we can do in this case is to understand the lesson of life, thanks to which we can draw appropriate conclusions. Namely, if you were betrayed once, do not trust these people and do not forgive them for this. The likelihood that you will be betrayed again by the same people is very high, because they showed their insides, which means you saw who they really are, and not who they want to seem. It’s not for nothing that they say that a friend is known in trouble, as well as in joy, because these are such emotional moments when a person’s psyche may be beyond his control, and then a quick determination of priorities occurs in his head, and his own ass is in the first place. . From a psychological point of view, this is normal, but the question is where is this line beyond which for a person there is nothing more important than himself. After all, people can betray in order to save their own lives, the instinct of self-preservation is triggered, according to my findings, the strongest instinct. But not always and not in all cases, betrayal is associated with a threat to life. This is the most interesting moment, when we just have to see how much you were sold for, that is, why you were betrayed.

Of course, we all admire people who are ready to sacrifice their lives for the sake of others; their moral qualities prevail over the instinct of self-preservation. Whether this is right or not, everyone decides for himself; there is no consensus yet on why we live at all. Everyone has their own line that a person cannot cross, for some it is their own life, for which they will deceive and betray anyone, but for others it is only the slightest privilege, or a one-time pleasure. For some reason, people who cheat on their spouses, for example, do not really like to be deceived themselves, although, logically, they can be repaid in the same coin, since for them it is in the order of things. But no, selfishness takes its toll, I can, but you can’t, because it’s so painful and unpleasant to feel betrayed. The same applies to promotions, up the career ladder, and all other cases when people betray and deceive each other, one might say, for cheap. If you were betrayed by a stranger, then of course you are not on the same path with him, if this is a person very close to you, just pay attention to why he did it, or rather, for how long they betrayed you.

If you were cheated on with the first person you met, your partner is a complete nonentity, his or her bar is quite low, and you will always be betrayed at the first opportunity. Although in cases with spouses, what difference does it actually make with whom they cheated on you, because if for a person flesh is above feelings, you are not on the same path with him, of course, if you are not like that yourself. Of course, you can forgive if stupidity occurred due to ignorance and clouding of reason, but what kind of clouding is this in which people are guided only by instincts, forgetting about morality and responsibility? According to statistics, and my own observations, most people, much more than half, live an unconscious life. They are driven by instincts, which are very difficult for unconscious people to control. Instincts give rise to desires, and desires develop selfishness, in which the slightest opportunity to make oneself better, even if not significantly, is more important than everything else.

Unconscious people are not farsighted, they can do anything for the sake of the moment, forgetting about the future, because their whole life, as already said, is based on instincts, and therefore they do not think, but react. Therefore, betrayal is inherent mainly in stupid and narrow-minded people, because smart people do it wisely, their deception is like honey, and not bitter like tar. Betrayal of people and their deception can be obvious and well-disguised. Every sane person should always be prepared for betrayal and deception and have several options for their reaction to this. These options should not be a natural manifestation, because if you have been unconsciously betrayed, treat this as a natural manifestation of human nature. There is no need to make a tragedy out of this, because if you understand that this is an integral part of our life, then you just need to be able to use it.

Don’t count on a person’s moral qualities, especially if you don’t know the line beyond which he doesn’t care about anyone but himself. Morality is simply an idea we adopt in order to bring some semblance of civilization to society. However, man, for all his greatness, has not gone far from animals, and all his basic instincts and behavior patterns are just as primitive. If you don’t want to be betrayed and deceived, just be prepared for this, and if possible, stick to the right people, the right ones in your understanding.

Magazine "Psychology for Every Day"

How does this happen?

Have you ever wondered what is there on the other side of the mirror? Look. You just saw yourself in the mirror - so beautiful, smiling - and now, a second later, there is nothing.

This is roughly how a person who has been betrayed feels. Something subtly changes in the soul: for a short time it becomes empty. Then anger, resentment, and the desire for revenge settle in her. Then, if you're lucky, forgiveness. But there is a moment in which the soul is empty. What is leaving her? First of all, faith. Faith as trust in the world.

Betrayal - what is it?

A person is born helpless: he is not able to support his own life. He can only trust the world that it will leave him alive. At first we seek support from our mother and trust her. We need warmth, food and love as a feeling of confidence that we will be helped. Around two years, the child’s social connections expand and he enters the Big World. He learns to interact, establish relationships with friends, passers-by, with his aunt on a bench, with his uncle at a bus stop, looks curiously at the dog, determining - friend or foe? Some people do it better, some do it worse. But each of us, sooner or later, finds himself standing like this in front of a mirror and sees emptiness there. And it seems like the world has turned its back.

How does this happen?

Differently. And always unexpected. After all, the essence of betrayal is the violation of our trust in the things that are most important to us, and its beginning is exactly where our faith ends. The conclusion is sad: betrayal cannot be foreseen. It is useless to guess where you will fall and lay straw there in advance. Each time, completely unexpectedly and anew, with all possible severity, we are faced with feelings that destroy us.

In psychology today, the problem of effective behavior in difficult situations is being studied quite intensively. The most promising direction in this area is coping theory. The term was introduced by the American psychologist Abraham Maslow in 1987, and refers to coping behavior as constantly changing mental and behavioral attempts to cope with external or internal problems that arise in front of a person. In essence, coping behavior distinguishes a person’s readiness to solve life’s problems. On the opposite side of the pole is the expressive behavior of the “offended” and “betrayed” - behavior in which a person’s actions are dictated only by “bare” emotions. In this case, the lady “treacherously” abandoned by her loved one revels in her own guilt in the morning, gets angry at the “scoundrel” in the afternoon, and falls into depression closer to night. Further more. Our heroine will begin act

under the influence of these emotions! That is, to beg and curse, scold and apologize, and thus completely confuse everything and become confused. What’s wrong with this wonderful, time-tested method? Because the problem is not solved this way. After all, our deceived heroine is only concerned with herself, and not with the problem. A completely different way is effective: solve the problem and thus get rid of negative experiences.

What if you calm down?

As you might guess, only a loved one is capable of betraying. After all, it was to him that we “turned our backs”, it was he who possessed “secret information”, it was he who had any hopes pinned on him. Was it worth it? It has been noticed that the stronger our feelings about someone’s treachery, the more responsibility for our own destiny we have transferred to the “deceiver” before.

It is much easier to betray a person who is dependent and psychologically helpless (like a baby) than someone who keeps important issues for himself rather than giving them to someone else to solve. The notorious departure of the husband is in one case an annoying prick of fate, and in another - the collapse of the picture of the world. And if your case is the second, consider that your husband gave you a gift. By leaving, he gave you the opportunity to make sure that you can live without him. The picture of the world will be restored. Just be kind, next time don’t give so much space to your new husband. Not everyone can bear such a load. And your life will be more fun.

Betrayal as a mistake

Very often, it helps to stop worrying about someone’s treachery by reviewing the situation in which your “deceiver” finds himself.

After all, it is much easier to forgive a person if he made a mistake than if you know for sure that he is a villain with a cold heart!

Believe me, there are very few villains with cold hearts. And it’s unlikely that you were lucky enough to pull out such a disastrous card. As practice shows, any ugly act, as a rule, has a sad motive. The biggest meannesses from the inside are often felt as weakness. And then a merciless fate intervenes and completes the dirty deed. Yes, your loved one has an exceptionally pretty secretary. It’s more likely that he simply folded rather than want to hurt you.

Forgive him as one forgives the weak. After all, it is easier to forgive the weak than the evil.

Here, by the way, there is an interesting nuance that can help.

You have been betrayed so cruelly that forgiveness is out of the question. What then are we talking about? Probably about revenge. You are tormented, not knowing how to respond to the offender. You blame yourself for being too gullible. You are amazed again and again how it was possible to do this is for you? After all, you are so special!

Unfortunately, various sad incidents are also bad because they take away from us the illusion of our own exclusivity. It is also called the “recruit illusion.” This illusion can be described with a simple phrase - “there’s nothing wrong with me.” such can't happen, because It is me! The collapse of this illusion is very painful. Turns out, such It can happen: they betray and deceive - not someone, somewhere. It turns out that this is possible here and now, right with you, so unique and inimitable. And now you need to take revenge: to prove to him (her or them) that they were mistaken by mixing you with the crowd.

You may be surprised, but revenge will not help. Firstly, absolutely everyone wants to take revenge “in the heat” of resentment. That is, you are not unique in this either. And secondly, revenge does not at all undo what was done to you. And therefore, you are again in the crowd.

There is only one way to forgive the unforgivable. It works despite its paradoxical nature. Try to understand what forced the offender to act this way and not otherwise. This is especially important in the case of intentional atrocities against you. Think: what have you done? such, what caused you to be harmed so horribly? Imagine how bad it must have been for a person who committed such an ugly act. Don’t you think that a loved one could hit you casually, without thinking? So there were reasons? And they were probably serious. And, sad as it may be, this reason is you. And you probably did him no less harm. And how did you manage to do this? This is the most interesting thing. And when you find the answer, ask for forgiveness for your part of the evil done.

I promise you will feel better.

Plus to minus

Now do you understand that any betrayal is inside us, and not at all outside?

To my husband, Nikita Blinov - thanks for the ideas and support.

Perfidious and hypocritical individuals pretend to be your best friends, but when you turn your back, they betray you by spreading lies and harmful gossip. Whatever the reasons behind such behavior, it is important to be able to protect yourself from it. If this behavior on their part continues, you should find a way to stop its influence on your life, either by mending the relationship with the traitor or ending it.

1. Protect yourself from traitors

1.1 Keep gossip on your part to a minimum. If you are in the company of strangers, do not spread rumors. You may be tempted to be helpful to the newbie by telling them all the terrible things you've heard about your teacher or boss, but who knows who they'll pass on your words to. If you cannot resist gossiping and complaining about a person, do it only in the company of people who have never met this person.

There is nothing wrong with listening to gossip and rumors from other people, as long as you do not take part in it yourself. If the gossiper persistently wants to tell you something, try to listen more and talk less.

However, I won’t speculate. And, despite the extreme paucity of information, I will still try to give some general recommendations.

You can certainly understand. Any “betrayal” always gives rise to confusion at first. And here it is very important to put your thoughts in order and comprehensively analyze the current circumstances.

First of all, you should ask yourself: “maybe I did something wrong or there are objective reasons for what happened that do not depend on me?”

And don't rush to answer this question. It often happens that people, consciously or unconsciously, commit “unseemly” acts in response to some of our negative manifestations that we have not recorded. And, if, in the process of careful self-analysis, you find errors in your behavior, the situation may appear to you in a different light. Try to correct them, and maybe everything will change for the better.

If you ultimately come to the conclusion that “betrayal” is an objective fact independent of you, you will face another dilemma: does that person really need the relationship that has arisen between you, or, as you write, just "using" you?

If he (she) still truly values ​​communication with you, his (her) “misdemeanor” can most likely be regarded as a mistake. And then the question before you is: are you able to forgive this mistake?

Without having information about the essence of “betrayal,” I cannot advise anything here. I will only note that there are no people in the world who do not make mistakes. And further. True, great love (and you are talking about “crazy” love) is able to forgive a lot, even that which causes pain. And there is no need to “force” yourself to forgive. If there is real spiritual intimacy between two people, if they need each other, this is a priceless gift, incomparable to “grievances.” This is the main thing, something that more than compensates for the “temporary” pain caused by a loved one. But at the same time, you must always be prepared for the fact that there are no “cloudless” relationships.

If the “betrayal” in reality (regardless of the essence of the “offence”) is that recently a person so close to you has now lost interest in communicating with you and remembers you only in those cases when he (she) needs practical help , make an effort to move away from him. And don't hold a grudge. The feeling of resentment, as the Teachers instruct us, destroys the human personality.

It is very important in such situations not to forget that only the Almighty (He alone) controls our destinies. And if He sends you such a test, it means that you are able to cope with it. The Creator does not set us unsolvable problems.

First of all, I think it’s worth reading the articles by Rosie Einhorn and Sherry Zimmerman And